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THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'...

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A young man from Jamaica moves to Miami and goes to a big department shopping complex looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience"? The Jamaican young man says, "Yes Boss, mi was a salesman back home on di streets a Kingston."

The boss liked him so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The Jamaican young man says, "Man, Just ONE sale"

The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

The Jamaican young man says, "£301,237.64"
Boss says, "£301,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The Jamaican young man: "Well Boss, fus mi sell him one little fish hook. Den mi sell him a medium size fish hook. Den mi sell him l big fish hook.

Den mi sell him one fishing rod an sum fishing tings. Den mi ask him whey him a go fishing, an him seh dung de coast, so mi tell him sey him a go want one boat, so we go dung a de boating department an mi sell him one twin engine cris craft.

Den him seh him nuh think him Honda Civic can pull it, so mi tek him dung a wi automotive department an mi sell him di 4X4 Blazer. Then mi ask him whey him a go sleep, an since him neva have nuh weh, mi tek him dung a di camping department an sell him one a di new 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the man seh, while we deh pon it, mi might as well fling in about a £100.00 wut a groceries and two case ah beer."

The boss said, "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a Boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?"

The Jamaican young man says, "No sah, him come in yah fi buy one box of tampons fi him wife, and mi tell him seh "Well, since yuh weekend mash up, yuh might jus as well go do some fishing."

Boysie was attending the football club's monthly meeting down in the La Basse. He told the boys that he couldn't make the hunting trip the next day because his wife, Brenda, wouldn't let him go. After listening to the usual comments of 'macommere man' and 'shit hound', from his friends, Boysie went home.

The next day, however, when the other hunters reached the camp in the bush, who should be there but Boysie, sitting in front of a tent, Carib beer in hand. "Eh, eh, how yuh manage to talk the wife into letting you come?"

"I didn't have to", was Boysie's reply.

When I went home, I lay down in my hammock to sleep out my sorrows. To my surprise, the wife sneaks up behind me, covers my eyes and says: 'Surprise'!" When I open my eyes there she was standing in a see-through negligee. Then she says "Carry me to the bedroom, tie me up to the bed and do whatever you want"

"So here I am!"

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card... He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

I bought a new TOYOTA CROWN and returned it to the dealer
a week ago because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice-activated.

"Mighty" the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Sparrow or Trini?"

"Sparrow" he continued and 'Drunk and Disorderly' came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles" and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Sparrow.

I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say "Beethoven",
I'd get beautiful classical music or if I said "Beatles", I'd get one of their songs, or Rudder would always start with Trini to de Bone.

Yesterday, some guy ran the red light at Ariapita Avenue and Ana Street and nearly creamed my new car.
Luckily I swerved in time to avoid him hitting me and I yelled "Asshole".

Immediately the radio responded with

"Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago ".

Damn don't you just love a TOYOTA ?

The Pope and Patrick Manning are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Manning and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Patrick replied, "I seriously doubt that.. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him.

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A=2 0truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas..'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

A graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his PhD friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

The PhD man replies: "I see millions of stars . " The ordinary man asks: "What does that tell you?"
The PhD guy ponders for a minute, and then spoke:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets .
Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo .
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three .
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant .
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:
"Practically . . . . . . . . it tells me that someone has stolen our tent" .

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is."

1-Por decir:
“No puedo asegurarle que va a ser posible”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Que no entendés hijueputá, que no se puede!.

2- Por decir:
“No veo motivo para que usted se preocupe”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡De toda mierda hacés un escándalo!.

3- Por decir:
“Yo no he estado participando de ese proyecto”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Pero qué hijueputa tengo que ver yo con esa mierda!.

4- Por decir:
“Debemos mejorar nuestra comunicación interna”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Es que estos hijueputas no me dicen ni verga!.

5- Por decir:
“Él no está familiarizado con el tema”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Este hijueputa no sabe ni qué mierda está hablando!.

6- Por decir:
”Disculpen. Si no entendieron los puntos, es que no me expliqué bien”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Ustedes sí que son unos grandes caballos!

7-Por decir:
”Finalmante a ella le reconocieron su capacidad y su competencia”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Claro, como se lo prestó al jefe...!

8-Por decir:
”A pesar de los esfuerzos, los índices de productividad muestran una caída
sensible”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Semejante turqueada y para ni verga hicimos esta mierda!

9-Por decir:
”Creo que no vamos a alcanzar las metas deseadas”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Ahora nos van a mandar a todos a la verga!

10-Por decir:
“Disculpe, si me hubiese consultado, yo podría haber alertado sobre la
falla”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Yo sabía que esa mierda no iba a servir!

11-Por decir:
”Perdone, pero se nota que ésta no es su especialidad ni su área de
experiencia, ¿verdad?.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Mejor callate hijueputa. No ves que la estás cagando toda!

12-Por decir:
”El caballero dice que sí, que tiene esa experiencia”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Se las da de la mamacita de Tarzán el hijueputa.

13-Por decir:
“Ella maneja información privilegiada”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Lógico...cómo no se iba a dar cuenta, si es la queridita del jefe!

14-Por decir:
“Esperamos que este cambio tenga éxito”
El nica estresado dice:
¡Me corto un güevo, si esta mierda no sale bien!

15-Por decir:
“Perdón señor, pero exigimos seriedad en las decisiones”.
El nica estresado dice:
¡Y es que este hijueputa cree que estamos jugando!

16- Por decir:
“Usted no estaba debidamente autorizado”.El nica estresado dice:
¿Y quién hijueputa le dio permiso?

Una gallega le dice al marido:

'Fíjate Paco que tengo un mes de atraso. Creo que vamos a tener un niño.
El médico me dijo que mañana me dirá el resultado de los análisis y
entonces lo sabremos con toda seguridad'.

En eso suena el teléfono. Es una llamada de la oficina de cobros de la
Electricidad de La Coruña.
La sra. contesta, y le dicen: 'Somos de la Electricidad de La Coruña y queremos
comunicarle que en nuestros archivos aparece que usted tiene un mes de atraso'.

La señora se sorprende y pregunta: '¿Pero cómo pueden saberlo?'

'Porque nuestras computadoras llevan el registro de todos los atrasos'.
La señora, turbada, le pasa el teléfono al marido y le dice: 'Oye Paco, son los de una oficina de la Electricidad y ya saben que tengo un mes de atraso'.

El marido, extrañado, toma el teléfono y les pregunta:
'¿Es verdad que saben lo del mes de atraso?'

'En efecto - le responden - y le estamos avisando que deben realizar
inmediatamente el pago correspondiente al atraso'. '¿Un pago? ¿De veras? Joder.... ¿Y qué pasa si no quiero pagar?'-
'Pues entonces personal nuestro tendría que ir para su casa y se la tendríamos que cortar'. -

'¡Coño! ¿Tanto así? y en ese caso, ¿qué podría hacer mi esposa?'
'Pues realmente no sé. ¡Pienso que probablemente tendría que arreglárselas con una vela!'

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAME TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot..

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today... She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits..

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines..

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids. (The kids are probably screaming for their parents to be educated. J)

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my Bowling League.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs
her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time!'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge Smartass!

Chinese Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese laundry.
She wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of
soiled clothes:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results.
The following week she enclosed another note:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry
was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!!
YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'

Un Matrimonio Nica

Una pareja Nica recién casados trataba de poner las cosas en claro.

Ella decía: Mirá Pedro, para no andar con malos entendidos , te voy a ser muy clara:

Cuando ande el pelo peinado con partido al lado, quiere decir que quiero hacer el amor de manera tranquila.

Cuando ande el pelo peinado con partido en medio, lo quiero hacer de forma
más violenta.

Cuando ande de trenzas, lo quiero hacer de manera salvaje.

Y cuando lo ande agarrado en un moño,... es que no quiero saber naaaada de naaaaada!

Él le contesta: Mirá María, yo todavía voy hacer más claro que vos:

Cuando me veás con una Toña en la mano, lo que quiero es hacer el amor de manera tranquila.

Cuando me veas con dos Toña en la mano, lo que quiero es hacer el amor de manera más apasionante.

Cuando me veás con un Six Pack, eso significa que quiero hacerlo de manera
salvaje!

Y cuando me veas conun Six Pack de Toña en una mano y una botella de Flor de Caña en la otra,...:¡Me vale verga como andés peinada.!!!

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
Yes, Father, it is.'
And who was the girl you were with?'
I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation..'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
I'll never tell.'
Was it Nina Capelli?'
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
Was it Cathy Piriano?'
My lips are sealed.'
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Four months vacation and five good leads

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked:
Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron bet ter than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better
lover than you...'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, ....... the gardener did..'
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started

Rastaman Divorce Hearing

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’

or the machine's?

Las Mujeres Vengativas

VENGANZA NUMERO 1

Hoy mi hija, cumple 18 años... y estoy muy contento porque es el último pago de pensión alimenticia que le doy, así que llamé a mi hijita para que viniera a mi casa y cuando llegó le dije:
'Hijita, quiero que lleves este cheque a casa de tu mamá y que le digas que: ¡¡¡Este es el último maldito cheque que va recibir de mí en todo lo que le queda de su puta vida!!! y quiero que me digas la expresión que pone en su rostro'.
Así que mi hija fue a entregar el cheque. Yo estaba ansioso por saber lo que la bruja tenía que decir y qué cara pondría.
Cuando mi hijita entró, le pregunté inmediatamente: - '¿Qué fue lo que te dijo tu madre?'
'¡Me dijo que justamente estaba esperando este día para decirte que no eres mi papá!'

VENGANZA NUMERO 2

Un hombre que siempre molestaba a su mujer, pasó un día por la casa de unos amigos para que lo acompañaran al aeropuerto a dejar a su esposa que viajaba a París.
A la salida de inmigración, frente a todo el mundo, él le desea buen viaje y en tono burlón le grita:
¡¡Amor, no te olvides de traerme una hermosa francesita Ja ja ja!! Ella bajó la cabeza y se embarcó muy molesta.
La mujer pasó quince días en Francia.
El marido otra vez pidió a sus amigos que lo acompañasen al aeropuerto a recibirla.
Al verla llegar, lo primero que le grita a toda voz es:
Y amor ¿¿me trajiste mi francesita??
Hice todo lo posible, - contesta ella - ahora sólo tenemos que rezar para que nazca niña.

VENGANZA NUMERO 3

El marido, en su lecho de muerte, llama a su mujer. Con voz ronca y ya débil, le dice: - Muy bien, llegó mi hora, pero antes quiero hacerte una confesión.
No, no, tranquilo, tú no debes hacer ningún esfuerzo.
Pero, mujer, es preciso - insiste el marido - Es preciso morir en paz.
Te quiero confesar algo.
Está bien, está bien. ¡Habla!
He tenido relaciones con tu hermana, tu mamá y tu mejor amiga.
Lo sé, lo sé ¡¡¡Por eso te envenené, hijo de puta!!!

VENGANZA NUMERO 4

Estaba una indita en un juzgado y el juez le pregunta:
María, me han dicho que tú mataste a tu esposo.
Is qui como qui lo maté y no lo maté, tábanos jugando.
A ver, María, explícame eso.
Is qui istaba lavando los calzonis di mi viejo y qui llega mi viejo, agarra la cubeta dil agua y mi la avienta y mi dice:
'Cómo qui ti llovizna'
Intoncis qui mi enojo y agarro ditirjente.
Se lo aviento en la cara y li hago: ' como qui ti neva!!!'.
Intoncis qui agarra un puñu di piedras y mi hace: ' como qui ti graniza!' Y entoncis qui mi inojo más y agarro piedras y li hago:' como qui ti graniza también!!!'
Dispuis agarra il látigo di su caballo y qui me hace: ' como qui ti rilampaguea! '
Intonsis qui mi agarra bien incabronada y como yo no traiba cinturón qui agarro il machete y li hago...: ¡¡¡ZASSSSSS!!!. .. !! COMO QUI TI PARTI UN RAYO MALDITO CABRON!!!!

Manda este correo a todas las mujeres que conozcas para que pasen un buen rato... y a hombres con buen humor para que se den cuenta que las mujeres:

Son mansas pero no MENSAS!!

Entrevista de Trabajo.

Cuatro jóvenes recién graduados de 4 importantes universidades en
el mundo (FIU, Harvard, Oxford y la UNI de Nicaragua) solicitan empleo en una gigante empresa multinacional ubicada en USA. Al cabo de unos días los llaman para hacer entrevista con el Director General.

Al llegar el Director, les indica que deberán responder a una única pregunta, y que dependiendo de su respuesta, podían clasificar como candidatos. En la entrevista el Director les pregunta: ¿Cuál es la cosa más rápida del mundo?

El graduado de FIU contesta: 'El pensamiento' Le pregunta el Director: ¿Porqué? El de FIU
contesta: Porque un pensamiento ocurre casi instantáneamente. El Director le dice que cree que es una excelente respuesta.

Pasa entonces al graduado de Harvard que contesta: 'Un parpadeo de ojos'. Porque es tan rápido, que a veces ni sentimos cuando lo hacemos’. El Director se queda muy contento con esta respuesta.

Viene el graduado de la Oxford y le responde:
'Señor Director, la electricidad'. Le pregunta el Director ¿por qué? El de Oxford le responde: 'Llegamos al interruptor de la luz y podemos con un ligero movimiento prender una luz que este a 5 kilómetros de distancia.. Excelente Responde el Director.

Le toca el turno al Nica graduado en una UNI
responde: 'Señor Director, la diarrea.....'El Director anonadado le pregunta: '¿Usted está jugando?, ¿qué dice?'.
El graduado le contesta: 'Eso mismo, la diarrea. Anoche tuve una diarrea tan fuerte que antes de poder pensar o parpadear y sin darme tiempo de encender la luz, ya me
había cagado'.

El Director: El empleo es suyo!...

MORALEJA: El que sabe sabe, aunque esté hablando mierdas!.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.......)

'Well,' he replied,

'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT

LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

Cock Stand

A Priest has a number of hens and one rooster. One Saturday

he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and can't find the rooster... This bothers him because he knows that some people in the community engage in cock fighting and may have stolen the cock.

The priest figures he can find the culprit at church

the next day. On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit

and says, 'all of you who have a cock, stand up'!

ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

'No, no!' says the priest, 'I mean all of you who have seen a cock, please stand up'.

ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

No, no!', says the priest. 'I mean, all of you who have seen a cock that doesn't belong to you, stand up'.

HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

'No! You still don't understand. All of you who have

seen my cock, stand up'.

ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS,

AND ONE GOAT STOOD UP.

The Skettel Gal

This skettel gal jumped into a taxi to go downtown, then realizes she didn't have any money to pay for her ride once she reached her destination.

So she got out of the taxi, walked over to the drivers window, lifted up her skirt, and said: "Mi no have no money, but mi cyan pay you wit dis instead".

The taxi driver thought for a moment, then ask the girl: "Mek mi see dat again". She smiled, lifted her skirt again and asked: "So, do we have a deal?". The taxi driver looked at her and said "...You nuh have nutin smaller?"

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ' The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger .' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead daughter arrived from foreign.

The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass20cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:

Dear Mama and Papa

Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica .

Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high.. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:

12 can a Bully Beef

12 bottle a Posner Shampoo

12 bottle a Posner Conditioner

12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion

12 tube a Colgate toothpaste

Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.

Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem.

Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.

Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite) , jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.

Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.

Puncie have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
=0 A
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef han

and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem up before anybody come fi view di body.

tief all kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.

God bless yu and spare yu life,

Your loving daughter,

Babsi e

P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.....

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like

Africa ; half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30,

a woman is like Europe ; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is

like Greece ; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ; has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ;

wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....

Between 1

and 70, a man is like Iran ; ruled by nuts.

The Kingston Lawyer and The Country Police

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.

The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please."
"What for?" asks the lawyer.

The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "Yuh neva did come to a complete stop," says the Police. "License an registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police demands.

The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair.

Get yuh rass outa de vehicle, sar," the Police says. At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the ever-loving hell out of the lawyer and says, "Yuh waan me fe stop, ar just slow down?

Jamaican Man at KPH

A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.

Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?

Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.

Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt

Patient: Di fool nuh go call mi back

It’s a Jamaican Ting

Restaurant Pickup

A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…

“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…

“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”

Rastaman Divorce Hearing

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’

or the machine’s?

Three Jamaican sons

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother:

The first son said, 'Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama.'

The second son said, 'Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver'

The third smiled and said, 'Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it.'

Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:

'Milton,' she wrote one son, 'A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.

Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a clean di whole house.'

'Winston,' she wrote to another, 'Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im too dyam facey!'

'Dearest Delroy,' she wrote to her third son, 'you have the good sense fi know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.'

New Truck

One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”

“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.

So I took the truck!”

“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”

“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

Jamaican Track & Field Team Suspected of Using Enhance Drugs

A 200 kilo shipment of suspected Performance Enhancing Drugs (PED) addressed to the Jamaican track team at the Olympic Village was seized by authorities at the Wong Hung Lo docks in Beijing early this morning. Coming on the heels of the disclosure that a member of the JA team has tested positive for a banned substance, the news has rocked the JAAA and cast an even greater pall over the team's preparations for the Games.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior customs inspector told Reuters that suspicions were aroused by the bulky and lumpy shipment which was wrapped in rough, dirty burlap. Stenciled in bold letters on the bag was the address of the Jamaican team at the Village and also the words:

DELIVER TO ASAFA, USAIN, VERONICA and KERRON ... DEM CYAAN RUN GOOD WITHOUT IT.

Upon opening the package, dozens and dozens of a dirty, tubular product was discovered and immediately sent to the WADA lab in Beijing for testing. Chinese customs are certain that they have intercepted a shipment of pure, unprocessed steroids and have put the IAAF and the JAAA on notice that severe action will be taken as soon as WADA confirms their findings.

The picture you will see by clicking this suspected drugs is of one of the mystery 'products' from the shipment and was taken at the lab just before testing commenced. We will update this story as soon as there is more to report as indeed the entire world of track and field anxiously awaits WADA's report.

Time To Put A Cork In It

A CORK radio station was running a competition- words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronouced "go-an"
DJ: You are correct, Dave "goan" is not in the dictionary. Now, for the trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: "Smee"... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced "smee"
DJ: You are correct, Jeff, "smee" is not in the dictionary. Now, for the trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

CLASE DE HISTORIA

Un niño japonés llega a USA. Es el primer día de clases y la maestra presenta a
Susuki, hijo de un empresario japonés, a los chicos de sexto grado.

La maestra les dice: 'Empecemos repasando un poco de historia americana.
- Quien dijo 'Denme la libertad o denme la muerte?'
La clase se queda callada, excepto por Susuki: - Lo dijo Patrick
Henry, 1775.

- 'Muy Bien! Quien dijo 'El gobierno del pueblo, para el pueblo no
debe desaparecer de la faz de la tierra'. De nuevo, ninguna respuesta de la
clase, salvo Susuki: - 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

La maestra, asombrada, les dice: - 'Chicos, debería darles
vergüenza. Susuki, que es nuevo en nuestro país, y sabe más de nuestra historia
que ustedes'.

La maestra alcanza a escuchar un susurro: 'a la mierda con los
malditos japoneses!'.
-¿Quién dijo eso? Pregunta la maestra. Nuevamente Susuki levanta su mano y dice:
'General McArthur, 1942 y Lee Iacocca, 1982'.

La clase queda muda y uno de los chicos alcanza a decir: 'Voy a vomitar'.
La maestra trata de ver quien fue el irrespetuoso: - 'Ya está bien,
quien dijo eso?' Y Susuki dice: - 'George Bush padre, al Primer ministro
japonés, 1991'

Uno de los alumnos, furioso, le grita al japonés desde el fondo:
-'¡Chupame esta!'.
Susuki, casi saltando en su silla, le dice a la maestra: - 'Bill
Clinton a Monica Lewinsky. 1997'

La clase entra en un estado de histeria. La maestra se desmaya, cunde el caos.
Mientras los chicos se arremolinan alrededor de la desvanecida
maestra, uno de ellos exclama: - 'Mierda, y ahora ¿cómo salimos de
esta?...' y Susuki responde: -' George W. Bush, inmediatamente después de la
invasión de Irak, 2003.

Por último un niño encachimbado por la tanta participación del japonés gri ta.
¿Por que no te callas? Y Susuki responde: -Juan Carlos, rey de España a Hugo
Chavez, en Santiago de Chile, 10 de noviembre de 2007.

CLASES DE ORGASMOS

1. Asmatica: !ahh...ahhh...ahhh!

2. Geografica: !Aqui, aqui, aqui, aqui!

3 Matematica: !Mas, mas, mas, mas !

4. Religiosa: !Ay Dios mio, ay Dios mio!

5. Suicida: !Me muero, me muero!

6. Homicida: Si paras ahora, !Te mato !

7. Zootecnista: !Venga mi macho, venga!

8. Porrista: !Dale...dale...dale!

9. Profesora de ingles: Oh... yes, oh...good...

10. Tipo Proyecto Uno: !No pares! !Sigue, sigue!...!No pares!

11. Negativa: !Nooo, noooo!

12.Positiva: !Si...si...si!

13. Profesora: Si...eso..por ahi...muy bien...correcto...perfecto!

14. Desinformada: ?Que es esto?... ?Por que?... ?Que me haces?

15. Analista de sistemas: OK. El proceso ha finalizado con exito.

16. Clarividente: Lo siento venir... ya casi viene... lo veo, lo veo

17. El Orgasmo falso : "!Ay! !Ay! !Bajate ya!"

18. El Orgasmo confuso: "Oh si, oh No, Oh Dios.."

19. El orgasmo Beisbolista: "!Me voy, me voooy, me fui!"

20. El orgasmo profetico: "!Me vengo; me vengoooo!!!"

Sum Ting Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are you ready for this??? are you sure you are ready??

Well....here it comes... Sum Ting Wong

Subject: "Lexus"

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to inspect it closer.As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
____________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
_________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
___________________________________________

STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE!

A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd cry'. 'I can't stand to see a man crying'.

'This is the worst day of my life', says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison'. --

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE, I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!' As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

What part of broke do you not understand?

Subject: Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass"

Yo estaba muy feliz. Mi novia y yo habiamos andado por mas de un año, y decidimos casarnos. Mis padres nos ayudaron en toda forma posible, mis amigos me apoyaban. Y mi novia era un sueño.

Solo habia una cosa que me molestaba mucho, y era la mejor amiga de ella. Era inteligente y sexy, y a veces flirteaba conmigo, lo que me consternaba. Un día, la amiga de mi novia me hablo por teléfono y me pidió que fuera a su casa a ayudarle con la lista de los invitados a la boda. Así que fui para allá. Ella estaba sola, y cuando llegue, me susurró que, ya que me iba a casar con su mejor amiga, y tomando en cuenta que ella tenia ciertos sentimientos y deseos hacia mi persona, y que ya no podía aguantarse mas, y que antes que me casara y comprometiera mi vida a su mejor amiga, quería hacer conmigo el amor una sola vez. ¿¿¿¿¿¿Que podía decir???????????

Estaba totalmente sorprendido, y no pude decir palabra. Así que me dijo:

"Iré al cuarto, y si tu lo deseas, entra y me tendrás."Admire su maravilloso trasero mecerse al subir las escaleras. Me levante del sillón y estuve así, de pie, por un momento. Me di vuelta y fui a la puerta principal, la cual abrí, y salí a
la calle, me dirigía a mi carro.

Mi novia estaba afuera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Con lagrimas en sus ojos, me abrazo y me dijo: "Estoy muy feliz y orgullosa de ti. Has pasado mi pequeña prueba. No podía tener a un mejor hombre como esposo!"

Moraleja:
Siempre deja tus condones en el carro.

La profesora interviene en una discusión entre dos Alumnos:

Luisito, ¿cuál es el problema?

-Es que soy demasiado inteligente para estar en primer grado.

Mi primo está en tercero y yo soy más inteligente que él ¡Yo quiero ir a tercero también!

La profesora ve que no puede resolver el problema y lo
manda para la dirección.

Mientras Luisito esperaba en la antesala, la profesora le explica la situación al director.

Éste le promete hacerle un test al muchacho, que seguro no conseguirá responder a todas las preguntas, y así accederá a continuar en primer grado.

Ya de acuerdo ambos, hacen pasar al alumno y le hacen la propuesta del test que él acepta.

Inicia entonces las preguntas el Director:

-A ver Luisito, ¿Cuánto es 3 por 3?

- "9",

Director: ¿Y cuánto es 6 veces 6?

- "36",

El director continúa por más de una hora, con la batería de preguntas que
sólo un excelente alumno de tercer grado debe conocer y Luisito no comete ningún error.

Ante la evidente inteligencia del menor, el Director
dice a la profesora:

-Creo que tendremos que pasarlo al tercer grado.

La profesora no muy segura y en una actitud típica de
maestra del Normal,"Yo a este *** lo voy a quedar", y dice:

-¿Puedo hacerle yo unas preguntas también?

El director y Luisito asienten.

Inicia entonces la profesora:

-¿Qué tiene la vaca 4 y yo sólo dos?

-Las piernas, responde Luisito sin dudar...

-¿Qué tienes en tus pantalones, que no hay en los
míos?

El director se ajusta los lentes, y se prepara para
interrumpir.

-Los bolsillos, responde el niño.

-¿Qué entra en el centro de las mujeres y sólo detrás
del hombre?

Estupefacto, el director contiene la respiración...

-La letra "E", responde el alumno.

-¿Y dónde las mujeres tienen el pelo más enrulado?

El director hace una mueca de asombro.

-En Africa, responde Luisito sin dudar.

-¿Qué es blando, y en las manos de una mujer se vuelve
duro?

Al director se le cruzan los ojos.

-El esmalte de uñas, profe... contesta Luisito.

-¿Qué tienen las mujeres en medio de las piernas?

El Director no lo puede creer... y ya estaba re
loco...

-Las rodillas, responde Luisito al instante.

¿Y qué tiene una mujer casada y madre más ancha que una soltera?

La cama, Profesora.

-¿Qué palabra comienza con la letra C, termina con la letra O, y todos lo tenemos atrás?

El director empieza a sudar frío... y está que no da más...

El codo, profesora.

¿Y qué empieza con C, tiene un hueco y yo se lo di a varias personas para que lo gozaran?

El director se tapa la cara... y se pega la cabeza contra el escritorio...

Un CD!

El director, ya mareado de la presión los interrumpe y le dice a la profesora...

Mire, ponga a este mocoso en la universidad... ¡Yo mismo acabo de fallar todas las respuestas!

You see how Jamaicans can chat? That's how them mouth always
put them in trouble.
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair.
The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "No"; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he
was set free (Apparently if the state tries to execute someone and
"has technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free).
The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "No" they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free.
The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!

Ramsingh and Dolly were married for many years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard late into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I dead, so help meh, I go dig meh way up and outa de grave and come back and haunt you for de ress a yuh life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced some kinda obeah because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

Ramsingh liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack. Dolly had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial she went straight to the beer garden and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety asked,

"Dolly, gyal you aint fraid Ramsingh gon dig e way up and outa de grave and come back to haunt you for the rest a yuh life?"

Dolly put down the Carib and said, "Yuh tink I chupid or what? Leh him dig nuh....ah bury he rass upside down."

CHEATING, LYING HUSBAND

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What in the world
was that for?

"She replied, "Your horse called."

Priorities

An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would
not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress is blowing up in
this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not
wearing any panties and your privates are
exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the
man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Un mago subió a un autobús que iba llenísimo a una hora pico y
quiso entretener a la gente con sus trucos.
¡Señoras y señores! -gritaba- ¡Muy buenas tardes!
Nadie le hacía caso y el pobre hombre había sacado de la nada un
ramo de flores.
Enfadado porque nadie le hacía caso, les anuncia:
"¡Voy a hacer que se eleve este autobús...1, 2, 3!"
Y entonces el autobús se eleva.
Toda la gente asustada le grita:
¡Bájalo, bájalo, por favor!
¡Ahhhh!, ¿no creían que hacía magia, eh?
Si quieren que baje el autobús, soplen todos.
Toda la gente empezó a soplar y el autobús empezó a bajar.
La gente estaba emocionada y entonces le pidieron otro truco al
mago.Éste les dijo:
¡Voy a hacer que a ese viejito que va con su esposa se le pare el
miembro...1,2, 3!
¡Y ZASSS!, La cosa se le paró al viejito y los pasajeros al unísono
exclamaron:
¡OHHH!
Entonces se oye la voz de la viejita que grita:
¡AL PRIMER HIJUEPUTA QUE SOPLE LE CAIGO A PATADAS!

QUIEN ES EL CULPABLE

Un hombre y una mujer dormían plácida y profundamente como bebés inocentes. De pronto, como a eso de las 3 de la mañana, se escuchan ruidos fuera....

La mujer se sobresalta y completamente espantada, le dice al hombre:

Mierda, ese debe ser mi marido!

El tipo se levanta espantadísimo y desnudo, salta como loco por la ventana, se saca la mierda contra el piso, cae sobre una enredadera con espinas, todo golpeado se pone de pie, y desnudo empieza a correr hacia su carro.

A los pocos minutos regresa y le dice:

Hija de la gran p……ta... Si tu marido soy yo!!!

Y la mujer le contesta:

Y tú por que mierda corres.... !!!!!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that?

Van pasando dos nicas cerca de la Asamblea Nacional en Managua y de repente oyen gritos:

Entonces le dice el uno al otro, oílos, se están turquiando, ya se armó el cachimbeo, el otro le dice:

A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami , orders three Red Stripe beers and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and says, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto , the other a London , and mi deya a Miami . When we all left home, we promised fi drink this way to remember the days when we drank in

Jamaica

. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there.

The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, no, everyone's fine," he explains," It's just that I became a Christian, and I personally had to stop drinking."

A DAY AT THE RODEO:

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the bull breeding exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

A Florida couple, both age 79, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied , "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son. "

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.
legally through immigration.

The officer said "Pedro, you have passed
all the tests, except there is one more test.

Unless you pass it you cannot
enter the U.S.

Pedro said, "I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using the
words yellow, pink and green.

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said"
Mister Office, I am ready."

The officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes
green, green, green, and I pink it
up and say Yellow, this is Pedro."

Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a
neighborhood near you.

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh_t outta luck if he needed glasses."

posted 3/14/05

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet At home. "I will have to go home and come back
later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.

A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman - Miss Ivy.

She responded, Why, yes me kno yuh Mista Williams. Me know yuh since yuh a young bwoy an quite frankly, yuh a one big disappointment. Yuh lie, yuh use to tief bokkle and bruk people shap;yuh ge yuh wife bun, yuh manipulate people an talk su su pan dem behine dem bak. Yuh tink say yuh a big shat, an yuh noh kno say yuh a go come to nothin. Dat fool, fool brains yuh ave mek yuh a two-bit paper pusha. Yes, me kno yuh - you liad good fe notin.

Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes me do. Me know Mista Bradley since him was a byoy, too. Me use to put on him nappy when him piss it up. An him too is a reel disappoinment. Him lazy, him a batty mon, him a drunk areaddy. an him caan bild a normal relationship with woman-cause a batty mon sinting. Him law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish. Not fe mention him cheat pan him wife with three different man. Him ongle marry dat nice lady cause him no waan people fe know say him like mon. Yes me know 'im.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench and in a very quiet voice said, if any a oonu ask har if she know me, oonu a go a jail fe contemp.

JAMAICAN JOKES
Nuh Ramp Wid Yardie Breakfast Conversation - Jamaican
And A Trini (Trinidadian)

A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread, butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??

" Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course.

" Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans." The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listens in silence. The Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

The Jamaican: "Of course." Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the Jamaicans."

The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"

Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big smirk.

Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?

" Trini: "We throw them away, of course.

" Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad."

Only A. Jamaican....

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a
Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first.
After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the check.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and
ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

Wanna Take It With Me

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. "She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and I'm a woman of my word."You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?"
" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

Women Being More Assertive With Their Husbands At the 1997 World Women's conference

The first speaker from England stood up:"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing but after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Jamaica stood up: "Hafter last year's conference me went 'ome and tell me 'usband that mi would no longer do him cooking, cleaning or shoppin, and dat he would haffi do it imself. Hafter the first day me see nothin. Hafter the second day, me see nothin either. But hafter the third day, as the swelling went down, me could see a likkle bit outta me left eye.

3 Questions

A Jamaican is at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter: I have to ask you 3 questions before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem

St. Peter: Which day of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow

St. Peter: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but I'll
give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12

St. Peter: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of March, 2nd of
By now St. Peter is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.

St. Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Savior?
Jamaican: Andy

St. Peter: Good God man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me that I am his own...

A man from "deep country" went to the Montego Bay Airport, very hysterical, carrying his luggage, passport, and other necessary items for travel. He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter, (with thick Jamaican accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent looked confused. "Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?" The man got even more anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."The agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?"
The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the counter. Look, 'ooman. Mi seh mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis
mawning seh 900 jobs inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"

The Pastor and The Choir director

Church feuds are not uncommon. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside. One week our pastor decided to
press his position by preaching on commitment, and how we should
dedicate ourselves to service.

That Sunday, the choir director led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.

'The next Sunday, the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.

'The pastor became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

After the pastor resigned the next week, he preached his last sermon at the church telling the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

A guy is walking along the sidewalk and comes to a barbershop. He
sticks his head inside and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy
leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber, intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend sitting in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see
where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
shaking his head, almost in unbelief.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"
Bill looks up and with a slight hesitation in his voice and says,
"Over To Your House!"